I'm Too Sexy For My Turkey

"I'm too sexy for my Turkey, too sexy for my Turkey, too sexy yeah..."

It all started with some simple turkey training.

We ended up with 2 males (Toms or Jakes) and 2 female (hens or Jennies) in the turkeys we brought home this spring. Although I raised them no differently from the chickens, these turkeys have bonded rather a lot with their human "flock" and as they have grown, they seem to notice no difference between the actual turkeys that are part of their flock and the people.

And so it was that as the Toms come of age and started fighting for dominance, I was instructed by a seasoned turkey person to make a point to assert my dominance by periodically picking them up and carrying them around for a bit. It is supposed to be a way to establish my position at the top of the pecking order without any actual pecking. After all, it makes you one badass turkey when you can just pick up and carry off a rival! Male turkeys are HUGE and potentially dangerous, so having them not be a-holes to humans will keep them off the dinner table.

So if you have visited my farm in the last few months, you may have come across me carrying about a gigantic, somewhat flustered and embarassed Tom turkey. They are allowed to do their morning strut in my presence (it's how they greet the day ala a rooster crowing, so I'll allow it), but if they start strutting in my personal bubble any other time of day, they get picked up and carted away rather promptly...which eliminates any unexcused turkey struts for at least a week. Their obvious humiliation at being picked up makes me feel kind of bad for them but not as bad as they would feel as the centerpiece at Thanksgiving.

The hens, it would seem, have taken note at the hierarchy changes. Turkeys, like most male animals, fight and dominance display for one reason: To look sexy for the ladies. The lady turkeys choose their mates based on who has the most sexy going on---the biggest snood; bluest, most wrinkled head and who kicks the most ass of the other turkeys.

I am that sexy turkey.

Though I have not a blue, wrinkled head or a fancy set of tailfeathers, it would appear my badass turkey "fighting" skills have carried the day. For the last two weeks, whenever I go outside and stand too close to the turkey hens, they squat down and let me know in every way a lady turkey hen can that they have chosen me as the sexiest turkey of all.

Someday I am going to create a "FarmScout" program and for one of our badges, I will make a "Sexy Turkey" badge and wear it proudly....