Goat Semen Pirate

It all started when I stumbled across the “Goat Breeds of Pakistan” Facebook page and fell in love with all their gigantic, oddly shaped goats...and the next thing you know I became an expert on international law of goat semen import and export.

No matter where I look and dig and squint at goat semen import laws from around the world (which are all, amazingly, online-thank you Internet) there is no way (not even with multiple export hub hops) to get one vial of fancy Pakistani goat semen from Karachi to Dalesburg SD. It simply cannot be done. A veritable goat semen blockade exists.

I totally get where the US and Canada are coming from ( basically everything is banned except for the EU and Australia) but where does the EU get off blocking goat semen from almost everywhere but allowing semen from Chile? Chile has no native goat breeds, why in God’s name is Chili on their “safe” list??? Or for that matter, Greenland? There is nothing in Greenland, nothing. That’s like telling your 5-year-Old child they can buy candy but only from the cement shop. Ain’t nothing there to make it worth showing up for..

I admit, I have had a few moments doing this research where I sat and thought seriously about just smuggling it in. I mean, if I was going to go to prison, I’d kind of be ok with my rap sheet saying “Illegal Goat Semen Pirate”. But with my luck, I’d probably end up extradited to prison in Pakistan instead of a swank US federal facility for inexplicably bizarre white collar criminals.

All I want is to import some wacky Pakistani goat breeds? Is that so much to ask?

And so after a ridiculous amount of internet research, I give up and turn the page to the next best thing: Creating my own pony-sized, odd-looking goats. I always wanted to mastermind my own genetic curiousity ala Victorian age landed British gentry and all their bizarre pigeons, now is my time to shine.

(In all seriousness, I truly am in active search of female goats over 30 inches at the shoulder—Send any leads my way!)